


to the bone

by Little_Knight



Category: The Coldest Girl in Coldtown - Holly Black
Genre: F/M, Post-Canon, even the author doesn't know, will she or won't she
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-22 06:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22711192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_Knight/pseuds/Little_Knight
Summary: Tana is colder than she's ever been, and all she wants to do is be able to feel the sun again.
Relationships: Tana Bach/Gavriel | Thorn of Istra, tana/gavriel/aidan if you squint and wish really hard
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	to the bone

**Author's Note:**

> hi, so. I finished this book yesterday and I am obsessed. And i had a document open for something else, but i was looking at fanart and the next thing I knew I was writing this. This is completely unbeta'd, only edited by me, and honestly i had no plan when writing this and you can tell. please be gentle

> "Because you want to die for love, you always have."
> 
> -Richard Siken

* * *

The basement is damp. Tana knew that going in, knew that the cold would be more than bone deep. But even her chilled breath leaves clouds in the air. She hopes soon she can feel the chill set into her skin.

There's a countdown on her stream. It’s something her viewers suggested a day or two in, something to entice people to keep watching. In her more lucid moments she makes sure to check how many days she has left, one of only two markers of the passage of time, proof that the agony of hunger is worth it.

Gavriel is the other marker of time. He doesn’t have a schedule, never comes regularly. But when he comes it’s always with smiles and gifts. He’ll tuck some of her matted hair behind her ear and coo to her about how strong she must be. Tana’s doesn’t feel very strong, screaming in a pile of filthy blankets, phantom heartbeats driving her to the edge.

The last time he visited her he left a new gallon of water, a few cans of food and a CD player.

“To fill the silence,” he explained, “Madness comes faster when you allow your mind to wander.”

Tana has long since felt mad. 

The CD player is next to useless. It’s plugged into the long strip near her streaming setup, one CD constantly playing. After the first few plays Tana’s mind learned to tune out the music, a classical mix that she’d never be able to name. The music visits her in her dreams, the singing of the high strings background music to her nightmares.

It’s getting harder and harder for her to remember to eat. There are 52 days left of this, of the hunger that rips up her stomach, her lungs, makes her scream at Jameson to let her out. She’s not even sure if he’s still in the house, but it’s his fault she’s stuck down her, chained to the wall and hoarse with anger.

In the first week she tried to gorge herself to keep the urges down. Money wasn’t an issue for Gavriel, not that it was likely he was paying for her food, he’d get her whatever she wanted. She’d had a few cans of mixed fruits, a can of corn, 2 cans of awful slimy green beans, and one can of ravioli. She’d made her way through every single one, forcing herself to eat even when she felt like she might vomit. 

It worked for maybe an hour. Her brain understood that she was full, that she couldn’t possibly fit another ounce of food in her body. But she could still taste the heavy copper of Gavriel’s blood, and her skin itched with the need to  _ drink _ . She’d chugged her water until she vomited up every last bite of food she’s forced into her body. And the thirst never left.

So she doesn’t gorge herself anymore. She doesn’t remember that last time she ate, which is probably a sign that it’s time for her to eat again. But she’s so  _ tired. _ It’s one of the worst parts of sweating out this wretched infection.

She can scream and cry and try to get someone to open the door all she wants, but she knows no one will let her out. And no matter how much her stomach tears itself apart with the need for blood, or how difficult it gets to breathe through her cravings, she can get through it. The pain ebbs and flows. She has moments of lucidity where she answers questions on her stream, and when she’s all madness, babbling about blood, there’s not enough of her left to care.

But in those moments when Gavriel comes down to her, his gentle touches ground her more than any CD player ever could, she’s so tired it doesn’t feel worth it anymore. More than once she’s asked Gavriel to drain her then and there, just end it. She can’t become a monster if she dies before then, right?

And every time he ignores her, and tells her some story from his many years of life. They are often gruesome and rarely end happily, but it’s enough to listen to him, to learn these things about him. If she’s lucky, he tells her another fairy tale.

A chime goes off, bringing Tana to the present. 51 days until she shakes off the Cold.

~~~~~

When she has 48 days left Aidan visits her. 

Gavriel sits next to Tana, arms wrapped around her to stop her from lunging at him. He’s quick to stop her when her hunger gets the best of her, but they both know Aidan wouldn’t be as fast. 

Aidan sits halfway up the stairs, far from Tana’s reach anyway. She’d have to break the chains and- no, none of that. No thoughts of getting out, she wanted this, _wants_ this, wants to prove she’s more human than monster. She can’t think about breaking her chains, of how easy it would be to bite Aidan. He’d probably let her, he wanted her to make the journey to death with him. He’ll probably be ecstatic when he learns one drop of his blood will send her back to square one, 88 days of infection to get through.

For the most part he tries not to brag. He tells her about what he’s been up to, “Tried the eternal ball thing for awhile, but partying isn’t fun when you do it alone.” 

He tells her of Jameson and Valentina - she runs the little pawn shop now, since the woman who ran it before turned Cold. No, she didn’t turn cold, she died. She’s dead now and she will be for all eternity if she lasts that long.

But more than anything he reminisces. It’s the only thing Gavriel can’t do with Tana. He doesn’t know much about her past, and when she’s lucid enough to talk, talking about her past hurts too much to do. She doesn’t think too hard about why she mourns her old life if she’s trying to get it back.

“And, remember,” he says, red eyes lighting up from across the room, “you wouldn’t back down! Never had a shot in your life, and you were so certain that you could drink Cole under the table, just to spite him!”

It’s partly true. It wasn’t spite that had kept her going, but that familiar urge to be the cool girlfriend in Aidan’s eyes. Clearly it had worked, if remembering her drinking until she blacked out made him excited like this. 

Tana doesn’t answer, and he probably doesn’t want one - he’s always liked the sound of his own voice. Gavriel tightens his hold on her like her silence says something more than disinterest. Maybe it does.

Aidan just goes on, about this party or that from before. His life really hasn’t changed much since he died, and he’s taken to it well. Tana spaces out as he talks, and when she deigns to tune in she can scarcely tell if what he’s talking about happened in the Coldtown or out of it. 

Right before he leaves he says the only thing of substance he’s said all afternoon (morning? Night? How does time pass for him?), “I miss you Tana. I can’t wait to show you how much fun we can have when all this is done.”

And then he’s gone, tripping up the stairs and not looking back, until she can’t even hear his footsteps. Gavriel keeps his hold on her until even he can’t hear Aidan, maybe still fearing she’ll try to go after him. But she can’t, she’s too stunned by what he’s said.

Because Aidan doesn’t think she’ll make it out human. Why else would he want to show her his kind of party, where he indulges in all the blood he could ever want, people practically begging him to take it. Why would he tell her he was excited to show her his lifestyle if he didn’t think that she’ll cave, that she’ll get out and kill someone like he had.

Or maybe Gavriel has told him of her odds, that no one has made it back from where she is before, and came to the same conclusion Gavriel had - she can wait the 88 days and it won’t matter one bit.

As always Gavriel seems to know things about her without her having to say it, can read the panic in her ridged form. His hold turns soft, one of his hands wrapping around her own so he can pull it up to his lips a place a gentle kiss on her icy skin.

“Aidan speaks without any thought,” he promises, “You’re stronger than any boy will ever know.”

She’s starting to shake again, the hunger eating at her as she tries to convince herself that Aidan doesn’t mean it. She’s made it almost half way, she can do this. She can. 

She has to pull away from Gavriel to vomit, puking all over one of her disgusting blankets. 

“Tell me,” she begs, and it hurts because it’s the first thing she said in days, after screaming and screaming and screaming until she couldn’t anymore.

His calloused hands pull back her hair, and rub soothingly down her back, “Tell you what my heart?”

Tears hurt too. When was the last time she had water? Not yesterday or the day before. She wants to cry so bad, feels sobs coming on, but she can’t cry. She’s glad she’s out of view of the camera, Gavriel had turned it away when Aidan came. She doesn’t want this moment of weakness broadcasted, no matter what the point of streaming her change was.

“Tell me that you think I can do it,” she cries, and every breath rattles her.

She looks up at him, spit and vomit on her lips and tears stinging her eyes. He’s the only one she wants to see this, the weakest part of her. His eyes are soft, the softest they’ve ever been, and he doesn’t hesitate to place a hand on her cheek and swipe a thumb over her cheekbone. He’s fond of her, listens to her screams because they sound sweet to him, and sits through her hunger because he cares.

“You don’t want that,” he croons, leaning into her space and setting his forehead against hers, “You’ve never needed me to tell you what to do.”

~~~~~

Her next moment of lucidity comes with the click of 32 locks. There’s new food, water, and magazines stacked next to her nest of blankets - Gavriel.

She’d missed him. It’s the first time that he’s visited her and she hasn’t been pulled out of her head. It’s jarring to know that she’s gotten bad enough that not even the touch of another person can wake her up.

It makes Tana check the laptop, check up on the stream for the first time in days. 34 days left.

The second she comes into frame the chat blows up, questions and concerns flooding in so fast she can’t read them. She tries to scroll through them but there’s just too many. It’s overwhelming to see she still has an audience, and she’s Tana enough to be embarrassed by all they’ve seen. And they still want more.

“Wait,” she says, “Hold on guys, slow down I can’t read all of these.”

It comes out at almost a whisper. Her throat is bone dry, but she’s long since been unable to tell the difference between thirst and  _ thirst. _ She finds the gallon of water and forces herself to take small sips, she doesn’t want to throw up again.

Her throat is still dryer than the desert.

The comments have slowed, but only just. There are still hundreds of people asking for her attention. She makes a deal with herself, she’ll answer 3 questions, and then she gets to go back to bed. The exhaustion is already setting in again, her eyes feeling heavy.

The first question she comes upon is short, “how do you feel?”

Tana laughs at that, a little hysterical. “How do I feel?” she asks rhetorically. How does she feel? How can she describe what she doesn’t fully understand?

“I feel tired,” she sighs, “It’s not just tired, it’s exhaustion, like no matter how much I sleep it’ll never be enough.”

A new flood of responses come. Of course, people want to know more, they always want to know more, want more than Tana can give. But the speed of comments is starting to overwhelm her again, she gets dizzy so easily these days. She has to shut her eyes and count to 10, try and force herself not to vomit or panic or scream.

1,

2,

3,

4,

5,

6,

7,

8,

9,

10.

That’s all the time she can give herself. She’s breathing heavily, and she has to remind herself that she has two more questions to answer.

“Just two,” she whispers to herself, like saying it out loud will make it more real.

“Why do you sound like that?” Someone asks, sending the same message at least 10 times.

Tana can’t remember what she sounded like before the screaming started. Maybe her voice has always been this rough, her throat this raw.

“I thought the camera has stayed on? I’m sure you can hear my screams,” she says, trying for sarcastic, or maybe just sassy. It sounds sad instead.

The chat goes off again and Tana makes herself look away so she doesn’t get dizzy. She hasn’t had this much time to herself in weeks, lucid without Gavriel or Aiden. While she waits for her audience to calm down she goes through the motion of opening a can of pear slices and makes herself eat at least half the can. She feels more and more sick with every bite but she knows she has to eat.

Just one more question, and then she’s done. She can play her CD and fall asleep. Maybe she’ll even read one of the magazines. 

It’s strange to have such a good day after so many horrible ones. 

She reads the last question out loud, “How’ve you lasted this long?”

“I haven’t,” she laughs, “You don’t make it through this the same person.”

~~~~~

Aidan visits her alone this time. He still sits on the stairs, and makes sure to keep his hands to himself, but Gavriel seems to have decided she can control herself. For now.

“He’s coming,” Aidan says matter of factly, “Just had to fill up before he gets here.”

For some reason it hadn’t occurred to Tana that he must stuff himself before he sees her. She still smells human, her blood will still taste human. Maybe that’s why Aidan’s been allowed to come alone - he looks bloated with blood, face flushed with the stuff.

Tana’s having a bad day today. She isn’t screaming, and she doesn’t feel like trying to convince Aidan to let her out. But the hunger is so strong, starts just under her lungs and expands all the way into her limbs, making her feel like static. Her head feels like lead when she tries to hold it up, so she doesn’t bother.

The classical CD is playing again.

“Don’t you have anything else to play?” Aidan asks, frowning at the CD player.

Tana scoffs, “Not unless you want to pay for it.”

They haven’t been alone in a long time. Aidan has always been selfish, thought of himself first. It’s not even malicious, it just never crosses his mind to think of others first, even when that person is Tana. Even when she’s sitting curled up in a ball, hands picking at her skin to distract herself. There are too many maybe’s in Tana’s life, and no opportunity to make decisions, so she decides he doesn’t know how to be alone with her anymore. It’s not all that surprising.

Aidan shakes his head, at her, at the music, at whatever it is he doesn’t like, “There’s no point Tana, you’ve only got 17 days left. It’s make it or break it time.”

17 days. It seems like so little time, even knowing that they’ll pass in a sluggish blur. It hard to distinguish between the days, and yet she knows she’ll be counting down the seconds until the alarm goes off that says she’s done, that she’s free to go. 

The door opens again. Gavriel steps through with a bag, undoubtedly full of food and water. He doesn’t even spare Aidan a glance as he descends the stairs, which makes Aidan childishly stick his tongue out at him. It’s the first time in awhile that Tana has laughed a real laugh, not something hysterical and twisted.

Tana watches him descend the stairs, her eyes following him as he bustles around the room. He places the food and water in their place, sets a new book down (it’s Dracula, which is a fair bit better than the vampire erotica that’s standard in Coldtowns), checks the stream, before finally settling next to Tana.

His hand falls to her hair on instinct, and it soothes her even though the hunger strengthens around him. 

“Only 17 days left my heart,” he says. 

It’s weighing on all their minds. She isn’t any better than she was last week, or the week before. Should she be more lucid than not by now? Should she be hungry for real food, should water make her throat less dry? Or will she be in limbo until the very last second, stuck between monster and human.

Gavriel takes her hand and kisses her wrist, just over her weak heartbeat. “Don’t worry dear heart, you’ve lasted far longer than that already.”

But has she? Has Tana lasted through these days? Does wishing for death in any form count as lasting? Can she honestly say she’s made it past the hunger, the monster crawling under her skin, waiting to get out. She dreams of getting out and draining the first person in sight and it’s blissful, the best dreams she’s granted in this Cold.

What was it he said, that being a monster is more you than you’ve ever been? Or that it's you, you who’s killed and liked it, who let’s themselves do terrible things and doesn’t worry about consequences, because how can that matter now? Her thoughts are clouded, she can't remember things right anymore. But she’s already like that, has allowed herself more immorality and horror in the last few weeks than the Tana of last year could ever imagine. 

In real life blood doesn’t taste like strawberry syrup, sweet and sticky, but to Tana it had tasted just as good.

~~~~~

Tana spends the next few days in agony. Now that she knows that Aidan has been squatting in the old Victorian, she screams at him instead of Jameson.

“You fucking asshole!” she screams, “You wanted this, wanted me cold and now you’re just going to leave me down here! How fucking  _ dare _ you.”

Aidan plays the role of 8 year old Tana, back to the basement door. Occasionally he apologizes, or yells back at her. But mostly he just sits against the door and takes the abuse. She’s never sure how long it takes for her voice to give out, but through the whole thing she can hear him moving above her. 

Her throat aches, and she’s bleeding from where she scratches at it. Her wrist is bleeding too, from where the handcuff has cut into her skin. She’s stretched as far as she can be from the wall, wildly pulling at the chain without worrying about the pain. It’s nothing in comparison to the all consuming  _ hunger _ , a hunger that makes her feel like a blackhole on the verge of collapse. If she could get out and get to that bastard she’ll have all the blood she could ever want. Aidan’s always been weak willed, he probably wouldn’t even fight her for that long.

In her rage she’s smashes the stupid CD player, stopped those damn violins from ever screeching again, and she throws the pieces at the door. She’s lost, can’t think of what to do, but she has to do something or she’ll rip her skin off and try to drink her own blood. 

A chime - midnight, a new day has started, and she has one less day to wait. 

She throws a piece of the CD player at the camera and knocks it over. It crashes into the ground with a thud and it brings Tana out of her hunger just long enough to realize what she’s done, but not longer enough to feel bad about it.

Fuck them, the voyeurs who watch her fall apart every night and do nothing but watch, the same kind of sick kids that Midnight and Winter were, desperate for any view of the reality of being a vampire. They don’t deserve her pain.

She hopes they all walk through those gates and line up for her to eat them. They deserve it, deserve to be drained just the way they want to, to die for someone like her. 

She starts to rip apart the books.

~~~~~

A robotic voice tells Tana she has a week left.

7 days.

She vomits all over the keyboard on her laptop, a couple of tears managing to slide down her face.

The camera is still laying on the ground.

~~~~~

Gavriel is there again. He’s reading to her, even though she’s had to have been out for days. His voice nearly sends her back to sleep, the perfect lullaby. But she forces herself to stay awake, to sit up and take him in. She's not sure how much longer she'll still have a mind at all, and she wants to treasure these moments with him.

He looks at her softly again, and continues to read until he finishes the article on the perfect thanksgiving Turkey that he'd been reading. 

When he's finished Tana says, "You're here."

"I promised," he states, like it isn't a feat in itself that he can even remember his promise. Just weeks ago he was warning her about how hard it was for him to keep things straight in his head, and now he's reading to her and sharing space with her because he promised he'd be with her through the entire thing.

She reaches out for him, just his hand. She doesn't trust herself around him when she has so little time left. She's just woken up and already the hunger is so strong she wants to rip her hair out. But Gavriel is here and she can't remember the last time she talked to him.

"How's the hunger treating you my heart?" Gavriel asks, red eyes watching her every movement. 

Tana tries to laugh but just winces at the sensation. Movement hurts, her joints ache and her skin feels simultaneously too tight and swollen 3 times too large. 

"It's easier with you here."

It's a lie, her mouth has started to water at the scent of him, because she knows what he tastes like. His too slow heartbeat that moves someone else's blood through his system entices her more than the echoes of Pearl's in her head. 

Pearl. When was the last time she thought of that name?

He doesn't call her on her lie, just kisses her pulse at her wrist again. He knows her too well to believe him being there is anything other than sweetly painful. 

"What does it feel like to die?" she asks him.

Gavriel grins widely at her, sharp canines making him look dangerous again, truly the monster he is. "It hurts in just the right way, and then you wake up more you then you've ever been."

Tana can only nod. Hopefully she'll never have to find out, never feel anything past the pain of dying. 

~~~~~

There are only three days left. The counter has become hourly, but Tana doesn’t have the strength to check the laptop. All the anger has left her, and all that’s left is starved exhaustion.

She’s always been thin, but Tana can count her ribs now. She can feel how hollow her cheeks are, and she feels weaker than ever. Gavriel hasn’t been back since he told her how it felt to die and she wants him here because she has the feeling deep in her gut that Tana Bach won’t make it out of this basement, one way or another.

Aidan is at the top of the stairs again. She can hear his heartbeat, sluggish like he hasn’t eaten in awhile. Maybe he’s testing himself, knowing she couldn’t even fight him off if she tried. Or maybe he’s watching her countdown, waiting for the moment she’s clear to leave this godforsaken basement. If nothing else she can’t wait to feel the sun on her face again, can’t wait to see something other than these dirty grey walls.

Maybe when she finally gets out she can work with Valentina. Yes, that’s what she’ll do, she’ll work the afternoon with Valentina and get to see Aidan and Gavriel at night (their morning?), where she’ll go to silly parties and read Gavriel stories to make up for all the ones he’s told her. And one day she’ll get them all out, get those ridiculous little coins, and she’ll get to see Pearl again. 

In her head she still sees her mother and her running through a forest in pretty white dresses, but they aren’t alone anymore. Gavriel is holding her hand, and Aidan is just ahead of them, laughing his head off like someone’s told him the world's funniest joke. 

Both fantasies are so out of reach. But they help distract her from the pain that wracks through her body. It feels like she’s eating herself from the inside out, like the disease has decided if it can’t have someone else’s blood it’ll just take hers.

“Tana?” Aidan calls down the stairs, sounding young, younger than she’s ever known him. And now he’ll be 17 forever - he never has to get any older.

She doesn’t want to answer him. It’s too hard to think of what to say anyway.

“Tana?” he calls again, “Just groan if you’re still hanging on, okay?”

So she does, a weak sound that barely leaves her mouth, but she knows he can hear it. It’s one of those hunter perks - sharp ears to find your prey easier with.

She closes her eyes, just for a minute, just to rest, and opens them hours later. The camera has been reset, so someone must’ve been down there, but whoever it was has long since cleared out. She can only just make out the countdown, to see she still has 60 hours left.

She blinks again and Gavriel is there, stroking her hair and staring at her. He makes her sit up, forces water and food into her, even when she protests. It’s not what she wants and he knows it, but there’s nothing to do now - the timer reads 57 hours. All they can do is wait. In 2 and a half days they’ll have all the answers they need.

Tana thinks she already knows what’s going to happen, but she refuses to think about it. If she thinks about it, it becomes real. She’s not sure she’s ready for this to end, no matter what that means. Not sure she knows how to live in a Coldtown.

“Go back to sleep, dear heart,” Gavriel murmurs to her, chilly fingertips tracing the contours of her face, “I’ll still be here when you wake.”

~~~~~

She wakes to Gavriel’s humming. She’s never heard his singing voice before, and while it’s not sweet, it is exactly what she wants to hear. Her head is cradled in his lap, and he’s still tracing around her face - like the motion has become second nature over the hours. He’s grinning up at the ceiling, manic and lovely, lost in his own head again.

She takes a picture in her mind and keeps a hold of it tightly. She wants to remember this, it feels precious to her. 

When he finally looks down at her, he grins even wider. He swoops down and places a soft kiss on her forehead, still humming.

“Good morning,” he says, the most normal he’s ever sounded, “You’ve only a day left my heart, and then we can get you out of here.”

She doesn’t ask for an hour amount, it doesn’t fully matter to her anymore. The fever has made her head foggy and the hunger has pulled at all her senses until she can’t feel anything at all. The exhaustion settles heavy in her bones.

Gavriel doesn’t make her eat or drink again - probably forgetting how often most humans eat - but he continues to hum, only interrupting himself to say half sentences and incomplete thoughts. Only a day left, she thinks, settling back down for one last, long sleep. Hopefully when she wakes up she won’t be hungry anymore.

~~~~~

By the time the countdown goes off Tana’s heart has been still for several hours. Her body is colder than ever, stiff with a death that won’t reawaken. Gavriel is still stroking her hair, eyes stuck on the ceiling.

An unknowable amount of time passes before Aidan unlocks all 32 locks, stumbles down the stairs, and finally turns off the stream. Neither of them want to know what anyone has to say, not now, not ever. He slumps next to Gavriel, their shoulder almost touching but not quite.

Gavriel has lost a lot of people in his life. He’s lost a lot of people in the past few weeks. Aidan has seen more death since entering the Coldtown than any other time in his life. They sit in silence, both touching her and refusing to look at her. Like children, who think if they can’t see the monster under their bed, the monster can’t see them. 

Gavriel starts to hum again.

**Author's Note:**

> hi, i'm sorry i'm so bad at endings :( I couldn't decide how I wanted it to go, and by the time i'd written the ending I knew that's how it had to go. there was an idea for an ending where tana lives and either becomes a vamp and she dies in the sunlight or simply wakes up and knows that she can't go back - no actually turning. but i liked what i wrote, so I'm sorry i made you read 5k just to kill her :/
> 
> the thing is, when I was reading the book there came a point where I was sure she was going to die for gavriel. so i had to make it happen
> 
> kudos and comments are much appriciated. seriously, comment and tell me how mad you are at me for not writing an ending where she lives.


End file.
